Survivor: Guatamala Thoughts "The Most Annoyingest Noise I Heard In My Entire Life"

Episode #3: "The Most Annoyingest Noise I Heard In My Entire Life"

Last week I made a pledge. Being a long time Friday morning alliance member, I always love to pick up the do’s and don’ts of becoming a quality Survivor character. Now, screw winning people, that’s for Porn Stars and Tax cheats, I want to be interesting. So, last week I figured out that to make your self more interesting, before each challenge, make a rash prediction that you will be the hero of the challenge. It just makes good TV. Last week, it worked wonders for Judd. So, of course , Ms. Lydia decided, why the heck not me? I can be the hero too!! Well, I guess when you’re a 250 lb. Doorman, and the challenge is Tug O’ War, the gods had been smiling at you. Now, if you’re a 4’2’ fishmonger and your placed in a basketball style Malyasian game, well, not so much.

Yet, I learned another life lesson (if your life is Survivor). Never, ever declare yourself a fighter, unwilling to quit.. For this action leads to injury. Instead, when I finally get my Survivor shot, I will declare myself the weak willed man in the world, with a pain tolerance of an infant. I will declare anything from a mosquito bite, to a hangnail enough to cause me to run home to my mommy. I will make Osten look like Jack Bauer (24 reference #1). Now, I know this would make me the scourge of the message boards across the world, but heck, at least they would be talking about me, and not my turned ankle. Of course, not that I would really be a quitter, but I know that the Survivor God's out there love poetic irony and only inflict true pain on those who pledge to be able to "push through" it. Amy, who seems like an interesting character, waxed philosophical about needles in her eyes, and crocodile’s biting our butts, yet the pressing issue with her is whether her ankle will hold up. I don’t want to be overshadowed by my body parts like Amy.

Winner of the Week: Geez, how do you choose? Really, I am very close to declare that screaming howler Monkey this weeks winner. He had more interesting things to say and with more substance behind them than most of the cast. I guess we have a nice series of min-winners this week. I have to say, that I really enjoyed the Immunity challenge, and especially watching Stephenie and Danni square off. Yeah, I know typically male, but honestly, it had nothing to do with the fantasy pillow fight dream I had later that night. I swear. Those two girls gave it their all, and it may become the most interesting physical rivalry on show. Amy needs to get some mention for her performance. I guess she “women’d up” through the pain. Even more surprising to me was Rafe, who seemed to really give it his all, with success. After last weeks, Rafe challenge suckfest, it was good to see.

Weasel of the Week:
The chemical formula for water is H2O.
Tom Hanks won Oscars for his performances in both Philadelphia and Forrest Gump.
Jeff Probst was the former host of Rock and Roll Jeopardy.

So, let’s play a little Sesame Street style game and figure out what those three statements have in common. Well, yet, they are all factually correct but beyond that, not much. Well, there is one other things. They are all examples of statements that Jamie could make, and still annoy the living batcrap out of me. The man didn’t say anything that wasn’t true in his criticisms of Brianna, and other statements, but maybe he stole all the testosterone from Brian and Rafe, jacked it into his system and turned him into a roibot whose sole responsibility is to annoy the hell out of me. “Uhhhh… Briana… Last Day on Survivor…. Day 8... Like My Women Crazy and Pretty… Feed Me…. Uhhhhh” He’s sort of like a big, boring version of Tarzan. All his confessionals should be shot in grainy Black and White.

I feel a little bad for Brianna a bit. Last week, I mentioned that she was kinda cute, so of course, she was voted off. So, now I must say Goodbye to her… Oh, well. I guess, I need to do what us men have done so well for years, make excuses for pretty girls. So, I struggled tom figure out something when I realized that Brianna thought that a “pick” meant to stand there, not doing anything, in order to distract her defender, lulling her into a sense of security, and finally boring her to death. So, we can’t blame her, really for doing what she thought she was supposed to. At least she did some work, and never ate a termite, so shouldn’t that have been enough to make her Stephenie’s friend. Oh, and her dog almost bit her ?sister? during her family moment. That was awesome.

Brandon sort of reminds me of my old boss. You see, I have a for years heard this argument that in order for America to excel, to work together well, we all needed to speak the same language. Yet, I always wondered, which language is that? Now, my boss and I never made a smooth team, because we didn’t speak the same language, you see, I spoke my typical modern, South Eastern Pennsylvanian English variant, my boss, he spoke Meaningless Sloganism. You see, he had this way of saying things that seemed wise, but actually had no substance. One of his favorites was, “Bob, we got to work smarter, not harder.” Now, if I pressed him on HOW to work smarter, he’d go all blank, get frustrated, and then ask me if I was up to the job, because I could be replaced. Ah, good times. Now, despite my hate/hate relationship with that former boss of mine, I felt tempted to call him up and use his services as a translator for Mr. Brandon of the hat. Last week, it was “Man up” which I learned wasn’t what a short order cook at a cannibal diner yells out when the order is ready. This week his justification for risking his “butt” to the crocodiles was “The Brave may not live long, but the cautious don’t live at all.” I have to say, as a cautious person, many of us get the chance to live, raise families, love, cherish and honor a special someone, all without being horribly disfigured by some stupid, asinine act that someone performed in the name of bravery.

Some quick hits.

Margaret, just because you may be right, doesn’t mean that you should speak up. Let the boys play their man games, put up their tarp, then grunt like baboons at their success. The boys like you just fine when your mending their boo-boos and sooth their psyches, but don’t you dare try to mother them.

Brian. Stop acting like a cross between the annoying SNL cheerleader played by Will Farrell and a self appointed master of the game. Your little, “let’s win” cheer, made me chuckle, mostly because it annoyed Jamie, but it was annoying. And declaring any vote result “all you” is a bit too cocky.

Lydia. Just because you Survived, keep your head on your shoulders. Don’t be the next Caryn. It seems to me that you are starting to get a little bit cocky.

Cindy, who are you? Beyond the Dr. Dolittle, howler monkey psychiatrist, maybe try to get some face time. Maybe declare yourself, the queen of eating disgusting food, than screw it up big time. Or what about a torrid Survivor Love affair, that always seems to work for a little attention. Just do something. Zookeepers are cool.

Oh, and Producers. While, blind folded challenges are always a pleasure to watch, there needs to be more crashing and banging. Judd hitting his partner repeatedly in the head was fun, I wanted more. More, I say. Maybe next time, have Jeff show up a few hours before the challenge at the tribe with a couple of bottles of wine, and a six pack of Heineken.

Well, that’s all for this week. For more Survivor: Blog Style check out the wonderful Ms. Jackie and her thoughts on this week's episode.